


Nothing But the Truth

by TamIsMyFather



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Community: Suitsmeme, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Mad Scientists, Truth Serum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-08
Updated: 2012-05-08
Packaged: 2017-11-05 01:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/400305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamIsMyFather/pseuds/TamIsMyFather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even mad scientists need lawyers, but when Mike gets dosed with a truth serum, it might be time to sue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for a prompt on the Suits meme by actually_tragic:
> 
> “So let's just say Mike and Harvey go to meet their new client, some kind of mad scientist. Mike is tricked into/accidentally drinks a Truth serum that makes him pretty much incapable of filtering his thoughts. He literally cannot stop from blurting out every thought he has. Harvey has to stop him from revealing his secret to the PH crew. Hilarity ensues.”

Contrary to popular opinion, there were not that many mad scientists living in New York City.

Oh, the comic books would have you believe otherwise, but the truth is that mad scientists—wherever they crop up—are far from reclusive, and what time they have that isn't spent coming up with insane inventions is spent trying to secure the patents to them. And mad science is _expensive_ ; if you're to have any hope of making progress at it, you've got to be well funded. Consequently, mad scientists tend to gather where there's grant money—government research labs if you don't mind working under even madder bureaucrats, or universities, where money is plentiful and the test subjects are willing to do _anything_ for a better grade.

So the only mad scientists who make a habit of living in a place like New York City are the ones who are already rich enough to build their own elaborate underground base there and use it to battle superheroes. And rich mad scientists, just like all ordinary rich men, need lawyers.

This is where Harvey Specter comes in.

…

“Who exactly is this guy?” Mike asked, staring in awe at the table full of test tubes and beakers filled with brightly colored liquids that lined the wall behind the couch.

“Come on, you read the file,” Harvey said.

“The one that said, 'Do Not Read Under Penalty of Death'?”

“That's the one.”

“No, I did not read the file.”

Harvey smirked. “For the record, you should know that  _Louis_ wrote that, not Donna.”

“Well, I may have glanced at it…” Mike allowed himself a small grin. “Judging by everything in this room, I think it's safe to say that Werner von Lingenmacht might be a mad scientist.”

“He's an orthodontist.”

“They're always doctors, you know.” Mike laughed nervously. “He is a mad scientist, isn't he?”

“He's not,” said a female voice. “And I prefer the term _sanity-challenged_.” A stunningly beautiful woman in a lab coat entered the room.

“Adrian,” Harvey said with a polite smile. “Nice to see you above ground for once.” He gestured to the floor-length windows behind them.

“Hello, Harvey,” Adrian said cheerily. “Daddy will be down in a few minutes. But while I've got you here—”

“No,” Harvey said firmly.

“But I just wanted to ask—”

“I work for your father, Adrian, not you. And he doesn't exactly approve of your little projects, so I'd rather not jeopardize our working relationship by sounding like I care.”

Adrian bit her lip. “I just need to know how to file a patent,” she said, pouting.

“Oh, I _hate_ those,” Mike said. From the way Harvey glared at him, he knew speaking had been a bad idea.

Adrian's head swiveled and her gaze latched onto Mike. “ _Really_ ?” she asked eagerly. “Who are you?”

“My associate, Mike Ross,” Harvey said, stepping between them. “He's not allowed to talk to strangers.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Ross! I'm Adrian,” she said, brushing past Harvey and seizing Mike's hand. “I'm twenty-three years, five days, and forty-seven minutes old, I have blood type O Negative, and I'm heterozygous for brown eyes so our children would have a fifty percent chance of having blue eyes! What blood type are you?”

“Uh… A?” Mike said, taken aback.

“A _what_?” she pressed.

“A… Positive?” he guessed.

“I don't have any A Positive!” she shrieked. “Would you be willing to donate some blood? It's for a good cause! And I have cookies, so no one will faint this time!”

“He's also not supposed to take candy from strangers,” Harvey cut in.

Adrian finally released Mike's hand and reached into the pocket of her lab coat to pull out a cotton swab. “Can I just take a tiny sample?” she pleaded.

“Adrian,” a new voice warned. They glanced up to see an older man standing in the doorway. Adrian immediately pocketed the cotton swab and looked demurely at her feet.

“Hello, Daddy,” she said.

“Werner,” Harvey said. “Nice to see you again.”

“Quite.” Werner von Lingenmacht was a stern-looking man, with graying hair and a portly frame. He glared at Mike as he spoke. “I hope my daughter didn't alarm you, young man.”

Mike thought he should have been frightened, but he was still reeling from Adrian's onslaught. “We were just… talking,” he said cautiously.

“Well then, if you don't mind keeping her out of trouble for a few minutes, I'd like to speak with Harvey,” said Werner.

“Daddy, I already told you. The Eavesdropper Doppler Device doesn't work! There's no way I'd be able to listen in on your conversation.” She turned and winked at Mike.

“Indeed,” Werner said stiffly. “Harvey? If you would?” He stomped out of the room.

“Of course,” Harvey said. He leaned in to whisper to Mike. “Don't lick the light switch,” he warned, and left.

Mike wasn't sure what Harvey had meant by that, but he had a sudden urge to find that light switch.

“Come down to my lab,” Adrian said brightly as soon they were out of earshot. “I just got some new iguanas, and boy, are they thirsty!”

“I think I should stay here,” Mike said slowly.

Adrian tugged on his sleeve. “You have some lovely hair,” she said. “Could I borrow some?”

“I don't remember reading anything about Werner having a daughter,” Mike said, hoping to distract her. It was a lie, of course. Louis had drawn several lines under her name in the file and included a list of illegible notes that boiled down to “SEETHING HATRED.”

She grinned impishly. “I'd love to tell you everything about myself! But what will you give me in return?”

“I'm not giving you my hair.”

“Blood?”

“I kind of need that.”

“Well, _I've_ got an idea,” she said. “ _Maybe_ you could teach me all about filing patents!”

Mike didn't hesitate. “I don't know anything about filing patents,” he lied.

She twisted her mouth in disapproval. “But I need to know! It's for science!”

“If it's for science, why don't you just release your invention to the public domain?” Mike asked.

She frowned. “I know you know. Why won't you tell me?”

“Oh look, is that a Klein bottle?” Mike asked instead, moving to the table full of glassware.

“Yes!” Adrian said, excited again. “It's got root beer in it. You can try it if you like.”

Mike warily eyed the hot pink liquid it contained. “I think I'll pass, thanks.”

“How about this?” she asked, holding up a beaker full of a green solution. “It tastes just like cotton candy!” She pushed it into his face.

“Are you sure  _ sanity-challenged _ is the word you want to use?” Mike asked desperately.

She giggled. “It's just something we scientists like to say,” she said proudly. “Daddy doesn't really understand that about us.”

“It doesn't look like he's stopping you,” Mike said doubtfully.

Adrian sighed and placed the beaker back on the table. “He's been trying,” she muttered. “He keeps going on and on about how he paid  _ so _ much money so I could double major in Chemistry and Mechanical Engineering, and how I'm wasting my potential by inventing things instead of working for some soul-sucking corporation.” She looked up at him with large eyes. “I measured it once, you know. Big companies suck out your soul at the rate of one-seventeenth parts per year.” She pulled out a tiny machine and clicked it on. “You're at about ninety-five percent, so you've been working at Pearson Hardman for… at least nine months?”

“Could I borrow that?” Mike asked. “I'd like to try it on Harvey.”

Adrian shoved the machine into his hands. “Last time I checked, he'd dropped below forty-nine percent,” she said.

“You sure it's not broken?” said Mike. “It should have been zero.”

She rummaged in her pockets and pulled out a novelty-size thermometer. “Could you hold this for a second?”

“What is all this stuff, anyway?” Mike asked, feeling bold.

“My life's work,” she said. She removed a bag of bloodstained chicken feathers and placed it in Mike's arms.

“What are you looking for?” he queried.

“My phone,” she said, tongue between her teeth. She pulled out a pair of wax lips and placed them on top of the pile Mike was holding. “Just a second.”

Mike frowned. “Is it a green flip phone?” he asked, remembering one on a table in the front hall.

“Yes,” she said absently. “I think I left it—” She placed a bottle of gopher repellent onto the pile. “—in my lab coat.” An orange parasol was added to the heap.

“It's in the front hall,” Mike said. The pile was getting heavy. “I could show you.”

“No, no, that's all right,” said Adrian, setting a three-pound weight on top. “I know I've got it here  _ somewhere _ …”

“You know, I think I'm going to go check the front hall,” Mike said, struggling not to drop anything. “I'll just put this down…”

“Ah ha!” she said triumphantly, pulling out a perfume bottle. She grinned up at him. “I found it!”

“…That's not a cell phone.”

“Not yet,” she told him proudly. “Here, try some!” Before he could protest, she sprayed some perfume in his face. Mike immediately dropped everything she had given to him and reeled back, coughing.

“What the hell—?” he managed before the coughing overtook him again.

“How do you feel?” Adrian asked. She'd produced a clipboard from one of her pockets.

“Like I just smoked a dust bunny,” Mike wheezed. “What  _ was _ that?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly. “What do you know about filing patents?”

“I know Harvey doesn't want me to tell you about it,” Mike said, feeling a little more talkative as he started to recover. “And that you should never ask Gregory to do it for you because he'll just rip you off and leave you high and dry.”

“Hmm…” Adrian said.

“But then Louis did it for me, which was awesome, 'cause Harvey was being a total jerk,” he went on, feeling invigorated. “Except that it didn't end up mattering because someone else filed first, and then Louis tried to blackmail me—”

“Fascinating,” said Adrian. “But how do  _ I _ file one?”

“First you have to know what you're filing for. It depends if you want to file a design or a utility. And they have separate patents for plants.”

“What's the difference between design and utility?”

“In accordance with Title 35 of the United States Code, Section 171, a design is any new, original, and ornamental design for an article of manufacture, while under Title 35 of the United States Code, Section 101, a utility is any new and useful process, machine, manufacture, or composition of matter, or any new and useful improvement thereof,” Mike recited. He felt like saying more, but had to pause for breath.

“Wow,” Adrian said. “You know a  _ lot _ ! Are all lawyers this smart?”

“No,” Mike said. He was feeling very talkative now. “I just read everything I can about the law, and once I read something I never forget it.”

“ _ Really _ ?” she asked, bouncing on her toes. “Oh, you  _ must _ let me do an electroencephalogram!”

“I don't want you to,” Mike said. He couldn't stop talking. “I want to go back to the office now because I'd rather be stuck working with Louis than standing here talking to you.” His eyes widened. “Oh my God. I'm supposed to say I'm sorry. I am sorry! But I still meant it. I don't really like you that much because I think you Maced me.”

Adrian waved her hand dismissively. “Not to worry, Mr. Ross. I'm not offended.” She raised her pen. “Now what else can you tell me about patents?”

“Everything,” he said helplessly. He shut his eyes, but his mouth kept moving. “Article 1, Section 8 of the United States Constitution states that Congress shall have the power to promote the progress of science and useful arts, by securing for limited times to authors and inventors the exclusive right to their respective writings and discoveries.” Why couldn't he stop? “You have to file with the United States Patent and Trademark Office after you've decided how you want to go about it.”  _ Shut up! Shut up! _ “Utility patents are the most commonly filed. You can file provisionally or non-provisionally. Plant patents last for twenty years from the date of filing.”  _ Please stop. Please, please stop. _ “There are a whole bunch of fees you have to pay once it's been approved—”

“I don't really care about that,” Adrian interrupted. “I'm not filing for a plant, and I'm not worried about the fees. I need to know how to file for—”

“You realize he's not technically on your retainer, right?” Harvey said, strolling into the room with his hands in his pockets. “So legally anything you tell him isn't covered under attorney-client privilege.”

Adrian's eyes widened. “I didn't think about that!”

“Harvey, thank God,” Mike said, relieved to see him. “I am so relieved to see you.”

Harvey arched an eyebrow. “Wish I could say the same to you. What have you been telling her?”

“I was telling her about patents,” he said, and froze. “I mean. I didn't want to tell you that.”

Harvey frowned. “Well. I appreciate your honesty, I suppose.” He nodded to Adrian. “Did you manage to stay out of trouble?”

She started walking backwards to the door. “Of course, Harvey! I wouldn't  _ dream _ of doing anything troublesome!” Adrian raised her hand in mock salute and then scuttled away.

Harvey watched her retreat. “Okay. What did she do?”

“She Maced me,” Mike said. “It really hurt.”

“That's it?” Harvey asked, surprised. “Last time I was here she managed to clone me. Thing was a nightmare.”

“I'd think that would make you happy,” Mike said. “Two Harvey Specters in the same room? Sounds like a dream come true for you. Not for me, though. Hey, did you make out with your clone? 'Cause that's what I'd do. With my clone, not with yours. That'd be weird.”

Harvey stared. “First, none of your business. Second, he was my  _ clone _ , not my duplicate, so he might have looked like me but he sure as hell didn't  _ act _ like me. And third, what the hell is wrong with your brain?”

“I'm thinking about you making out with your clone. It's really disturbing.”

“Aaand you are not allowed to talk for the rest of the week,” Harvey said, walking away.

“What happened to him?” Mike asked. “The other Harvey.”

“He sacrificed himself saving the city from a giant ant.”

Mike trotted after him. “Oh yeah, I remember that. Wait, that was  _ you _ ?”

“No, it was my  _ clone _ . How is this being quiet?”

“Okay, okay. Sorry! I was just wondering, because you told Donna you wanted 'another you' when you hired me, so in a way  _ I'm _ kind of like your clone.”

“And I would very much like to see you die fighting a giant bug,” Harvey said. “But Louis hasn't gotten tall enough yet.”

“Louis is creepy,” Mike said thoughtfully. “He kind of reminds me of a rat, actually. I bet he would totally make out with his clone, too.”

“Mike,” said Harvey wearily as they slid into the car. “Shut up.”


	2. Chapter 2

Halfway to the office, Harvey was ready to invest in some earplugs.

By the time he got out of the car and bid Ray farewell, he'd decided to buy a gag. He'd have pulled out his phone to start shopping for cheap ones on the way there, but it didn't feel quite right to be searching the internet for bondage gear on company time.

After work, then.

For now, Harvey had to deal with an incredibly talkative associate who didn't seem to understand the words “Stop,” “Quiet,” or “For the love of all that is good and holy will you please SHUT UP?” Mike had about talked his ear off, and he was saying whatever came to mind with absolutely no regard for Harvey's inability to care about any of it.

“I mean, I think she's pretty, and we're good friends, but it would never work out between us,” he was saying as they stepped into the lobby. “Plus, it's never a great idea to date people you work with. How awkward would that be? But I like to think about it sometimes. Donna's just so awesome. And she knows I didn't go to Harvard, just like you!”

Harvey had to resist the urge to clamp his hand over Mike's mouth. He settled for grabbing him by both arms and pulling him sharply around. _"_ _ Mike _ ," he hissed. “What. Is.  _ Wrong _ with you?!”

Mike actually looked scared. If Harvey were capable of caring—which he most definitely was not—he would have felt a twinge of sympathy for the kid. “I don't know,” he said. “I can't stop talking, and I just keep saying whatever I'm thinking about. I can't even lie.”

“You don't need to lie to be a lawyer,” Harvey said. “You just need to be able to hide the truth. Can you do that?”

Mike gulped. “I-I think so,” he said shakily. “Maybe? I haven't been very successful so far.”

Harvey pulled out his phone and dialed Werner. “Who are you calling?” Mike asked. “Are you calling a doctor? 'Cause that would be nice, and I didn't think you were that nice.”

“Hello?” said a voice on the other end.

“Werner, it's Harvey. Is Adrian there?”

“Oh, you called Adrian!” Mike rambled. “Do you think she did something to me when she Maced me? That's kind of mean. Even you're not that mean.”

“Adrian has disappeared,” Werner said stiffly. “I assume she must have gone out with some friends.”

Harvey pinched the bridge of his nose. “I really need to talk to her. Do you have her phone number?”

“She doesn't have her phone,” Mike said. “It's a green flip phone. She left it in the front hall. I don't know why, it definitely would have fit in her pockets.”

“She left her phone here,” Werner said in unison with Mike. “I don't know when she'll be back.” Harvey could hear him frowning on the other end. “Did she do something to that associate of yours?”

“No, it's fine,” Harvey said. “I just wanted to ask who designed her lab coat. Let me know when she gets back, okay?”

“Very well,” Werner said, and hung up.

“Did you just lie?” Mike asked. “Because we are definitely  _ not _ fine, and I thought you said that lawyers don't need to lie. Though that  _ was _ a pretty cool lab coat. I kind of want one. It has so many  _ pockets _ .”

“I didn't lie,” Harvey explained. “We will manage this just fine until Adrian gets back, and I did actually want to ask.”

“Why not just tell him the truth?” Mike wondered. “Are you trying to protect Adrian because her father doesn't want her doing mad science anymore?”

Harvey glanced up sharply. “I didn't tell him because the reason he called me over there was to discuss ways to cut off her trust fund, and if he finds out what she did then he'll shut down her funding prematurely, and then she'll  _ never _ help us fix you unless he gives it back, which would kind of defeat the purpose of us going over there today.”

“Oh,” Mike said. “You're really smart sometimes.”

“Thanks, I've been practicing.” He and Mike stepped onto the elevator. “Now we are going to go back to work, and you are going to use this time to practice  _ not talking _ .”

Mike bit his lip. “But what if someone asks me a question?”

“Then you practice telling the truth without telling the  _ whole _ truth.”

“But what if someone asks me if I really went to Harvard?” Harvey was suddenly grateful they were the only two on the elevator.

“No one is going to ask you that.” He allowed himself just a tiny roll of the eyes. “'Oh, by the way, Mike, did you actually go to law school?'”

“No,” Mike said miserably. “I'm a fraud who got kicked out of college for cheating, and Harvey's been covering for me.” The doors clicked open.

“They're _not_ going to ask.” Harvey strolled onto the floor. “Just don't give them the opportunity.”

…

Mike had actually managed to stay relatively quiet for the better part of an hour before the danger hit.

Harvey had assigned him to go over von Lingenmacht's finances in search of a way to exclude Adrian from the trust that was funding her science projects. Mike had avoided any questions from the other associates by jamming his headphones in his ears and humming along with the music; from the glares Gregory kept giving him, the music wasn't quiet enough, but Mike thought that was a small price to pay considering the damage he  _ could _ be doing.

The joy of avoiding human contact was short-lived, however.

“Ross, my office,” Louis said, snapping his fingers.

“I really don't want to go to your office,” Mike said immediately. “It smells weird in there.”

“I really don't care what you think,” Louis said. “Get in there. Now.”

Mike licked his lips nervously and wasted several minutes shuffling papers around. He knew he couldn't delay for too long, though, and eventually he worked up the courage to stand and walk into Louis's lair.

Louis was siting behind his desk, looking, as always, smug and impatient. “Close the door,” he said.

Mike did as asked and waited for permission to sit.

Louis didn't give him the chance. “What happened?” he asked, leaning forward, hands clasped, eyes knowing.

“You told me to go to your office,” Mike answered. “But I didn't want to come here, so I wasted some time on my paperwork first.”

Louis ignored that. “Come on, you can tell me. What did she do?”

“What did who do?” Mike asked, though he had a pretty strong feeling he knew who Louis was talking about.

“Adrian,” Louis said. “That girl's a menace. She always does  _ something _ , and it always causes trouble. I keep telling Jessica they're not worth the damage they could do to the firm, but she never listens to me. So what I want to know,” Louis said, leaning so far forward he was practically lying across the top of the desk, “Is what she did to Harvey this time, so we can prevent any disasters before they occur.”

Mike was incredibly grateful for the way Louis had phrased that. “She didn't do anything to Harvey. She kept asking him questions and he wouldn't answer her, and I think they were about patents because she told me she wanted to file one—”

“She told you specifically?” Louis asked. Oops.

Mike began to sweat. “Yes.”

“Did she do something to  _ you _ , Mike?” Louis said.

“She made it so I can't tell a lie and I just keep talking and saying whatever I'm thinking and I really want to go back to my desk now.”

“That's it?” He seemed disappointed. “All right, fine. Go back to your desk.”

Mike could not believe his luck. He turned and opened the door.

“But before you go…” The smug grin was back. “Say something nice about me.”

Mike really hated Adrian right now. “You are amazingly good at tennis. Like, seriously, the best I've ever seen, and I used to watch the tournaments when I was a kid.”

“Is there anything you admire about me?” Louis said, making a very satisfied  _ go on _ gesture.

Mike began to fidget. “You're driven to succeed. You put more effort into winning than anyone else. Even me.” He was surprised as he said it, but couldn't really disagree.

Louis looked contented, and for a brief second Mike thought he'd be free. Then the bomb dropped. “In what ways,” he said, looking utterly pleased with himself, “Am I better than Harvey?”

Mike couldn't do anything to stop himself. “None.” The look on Louis's face was now a mixture of anger and  _ kicked puppy _ . “Harvey's better in every single way. You put more effort into winning, but that's only because Harvey doesn't need to put in that much effort in the first place.” Mike could have stopped at that point, but he remembered the smug grin Louis had worn scant seconds before, and something in him made him twist the knife. “Harvey's just better than you, he always has been, and he always will be.”

Louis didn't say, “Get out.” He didn't need to. Mike fled.

…

Mike knew it was only a matter of time before the next bomb dropped. Eighteen minutes, in fact.

“Ross,” Kyle said, leaning against the cubicle wall. “Heard you had a run-in with a mad scientist today.”

“She prefers the term  _ sanity-challenged _ ,” Mike said. “And I really don't want to see you, Kyle. I normally don't want to see you, but today I feel especially strong about it.”

“A little bird told me you can't tell a lie,” Kyle went on. Mike could have cursed Louis, but then, he'd kind of brought this on himself. “Is that true?”

“Yes,” he said through gritted teeth.

Kyle's smirk widened. “And you have to answer any question I ask?”

“It's just like being in court, Kyle. Which you would know, because you've won _so_ many mock trials, as you so often feel the need to tell me. Do you just feel inadequate in the rest of your life?” Okay, Mike didn't really feel bad about that one.

Kyle only shook his head with a tiny grin. “All right then. Let's start with… embarrassing secrets you don't want anyone to know.”

This was definitely not a conversation Mike wanted to be having.

“I…” It was suddenly very hard to breathe. “I told my friends it happened the other way around, but when I got high with Tom Keller, _I_ made a pass at _him,_ ” Mike said, starting to turn red. “I once wore my girlfriend's panties, and I liked it.” Mike gulped. “…And I'm still wearing them.” He tried to stop himself, but his mouth kept moving. “Louis—” He willed his lips to stay shut, held his tongue flat between his teeth. He would stay silent if it was the last thing he did.

“…Louis is bigger than me!” he gasped.

Kyle was fighting back laughter, clutching at his sides and shaking with mirth. “Keep going,” he ordered.

Mike opened his mouth to comply—and shoved his fist inside. “Lmmph,” he said, then bit down on his hand. “Mww!” he moaned in pain.

Kyle just grinned and walked away. It was a small mercy.

…

Mike needed a band-aid.

Mike needed several band-aids, actually. His right hand was covered in quite a lot of blood.

He'd stood up with the initial intention of heading to Rachel's office in search of first aid, but recalling his encounter with Louis made him rethink that strategy. He and Rachel had never really resolved their feelings for each other, after all, and things were still tense since he'd made it clear that he was with Jenny; he didn't want to go blurting out something that might make things worse.

But then, Mike thought as he came to a dead stop in the hallway on the way to Donna's desk, Harvey had wanted him to practice telling the truth without telling the whole truth, and he and Rachel were both professionals; they could certainly hold a civil conversation without the need for lying. And Rachel was still his friend, even if she wanted to be more; she would understand if he said something weird, and she wouldn't hold it against him if he accidentally blurted out that he never went to Harvard. Not for long, anyway.

Yeah, he'd go see Rachel. This was his big chance to tell her honestly that he liked her as a friend and nothing more, that he was with Jenny now, and that absolutely nothing was ever going to happen between them, ever.

He marched into her office with renewed determination.

“That looks like a pretty bad paper cut,” Rachel said, glancing up in sympathy.

“I really like you!” Mike shouted, and froze.

Rachel froze too.

“Oh my God, I'm bleeding!” Mike said, and ran.

…

Mike thought telling the truth to Donna would be easier.

Mike was wrong.

“Sometimes you scare me,” he told her as she listened patiently, band-aids held just out of reach. “Like, I'm afraid you're going to poison me if I do anything that makes you mad. And you would do it slow, too, like lead poisoning over years. Sometimes when I taste something funny in my coffee I think it's because you've already started, even if I got the coffee from a shop on the other side of town. Whenever my coffee tastes funny, those are the days I try to be extra nice to you. Just in case.”

Donna pursed her lips in thought. “I just asked what you thought of my haircut,” she said.

“…Yes,” Mike said miserably. “Can I please just have a band-aid?”

She shrugged and handed him the box. “Sure.”

He hesitated before applying the band-aid. “You're not mad?”

“Nope,” Donna said, eyes glued to her computer screen.

“You're not going to ask me for any embarrassing secrets, or make me say what I really think about something?” Mike said, disbelieving. “Isn't there _anything_ you want to know about me?”

She looked up then, honestly surprised. “And what makes you think I don't already know everything about you?”

The compulsion to tell the truth overwhelmed Mike, and he opened his mouth to speak.

Nothing came out.

Donna nodded. “That's what I thought,” she said, and went back to work.

…

It should go without saying that Harvey was not a fan of Adrian's particular brand of science.

There were, however, things he hated more than a mad scientist with daddy issues, among them alliterative names, Louis, and people barging into his office without permission. Seeing as how the embodiment of all three had just marched in with a furious and determined look on his face, Harvey was not at all inclined to be in a pleasant mood.

“Donna, can you call the exterminator?” Harvey asked.

“Ha ha,” Louis said. He strode up to Harvey's desk and stopped, standing with his arms folded as if to challenge him.

“I don't know how he got past my security,” Donna said through the intercom. “And I put out a sign that said 'You must be THIS tall to enter,' too.”

Louis glared. “If you're done making jokes at my expense—”

“I never am.” Harvey grinned.

“—I have a serious issue to discuss with you.”

“I already told you, Louis, I didn't know she was your sister.”

Louis shook his head, not to be deterred. “I don't have a sister, and you already knew that. We need to talk about Adrian von Lingenmacht.”

“You're going after Adrian because you asked my associate to tell the truth?” Harvey asked, eyebrow raised.

Louis turned slightly pink. “How did you…?” Suddenly he paled. “Jessica told you.”

“Jessica didn't have to,” Harvey said. “The way you've been telling everyone what Adrian did to Mike? I know a vendetta when I see one, Louis. And you wouldn't be in here complaining about Adrian if there were any way you could pin this on him instead; so you must have already gone to Jessica, and she would have told you that you brought this on yourself, and that you should stop meddling with the von Lingenmachts and try to find a solution.”

“Well, I found a solution,” Louis snapped. “Drop them.”

“Jessica wouldn't like that. She's rather fond of Adrian, if you'll recall.”

“Only because Adrian made her taller,” Louis said. “Jessica didn't like them so much when she was only four foot two.”

“So what's the problem?”

“The problem is that most of the time, she makes things _worse_ for us,” Louis insisted. “I remember your hipster, peace-loving clone, and I still have my suspicions about that giant ant.”

“Adrian was cleared of all charges for that,” said Harvey.

“And then there's what she did to _me—_ ”

“Which we all agreed to never speak of again,” Harvey cut in swiftly.

“Aw, I thought you two made a really cute couple,” Donna said.

Harvey resisted the urge to plug his fingers in his ears and shout, “La la la la la!” Instead he allowed himself a small shudder and buried the memory. “That situation was resolved. Which is why we will _never speak of it again_.” He directed that last sentence to Donna, who smiled and waved from her desk.

Somehow, Louis looked even more uncomfortable than Harvey. “This latest incident with Ross just proves my point,” he said. “You can't keep letting Adrian von Lingenmacht get away with this. It's not good for the firm, and it's a violation of basic ethics.”

Harvey shrugged. “She's not our client. And I shouldn't need to remind you, but you took her settlement offer.”

Harvey could have sworn he saw steam coming out of Louis's ears. “Musical productions of _Lawrence of Arabia_ don't pay for themselves, Harvey.”

“So what's the problem?” he asked reasonably. “As long as she's got money, she's not going to stop her experiments.”

“But she is violating every—” Louis cut off mid-sentence. “Wait. 'As long as she's got money'? You're trying to cut off her funding, aren't you?”

Harvey shrugged. “Unlike my associate, I am under no obligation to speak the truth, so with that in mind I'm going to have to tell you no, I am in no way attempting to cut off Adrian's funding.”

Louis placed both hands on Harvey's desk and leaned forward. “I want in.”

“There's nothing to be 'in' on,” Harvey said.

Louis clenched his hands on the edge of the desk. “I need this, Harvey. You owe me.”

Harvey was very confused. “I do not _owe_ you.”

“You kind of do,” Donna said. “Remember the shrine you built in his office?”

“What part of ' _Let us never speak of this again_ ' do you not understand?” Harvey asked. “Is it the part where you don't talk?”

“Or the roses? Or the teddy bears?”

“ _Never. Again_ ,” Harvey said through gritted teeth.

“I still have pictures,” she said.

“Donna agrees with me,” Louis interjected. “So I win. You have to let me help.”

“By all means,” Harvey said, handing Louis a stack of papers. “You can start by taking these to Mike.”

Louis's hand was shaking, but his eyes were icy and frozen. “I'm not your little errand boy, Harvey.”

“Not anymore, anyway,” Donna said.

“I am putting my best man on the job,” Harvey said firmly. “Or do you think you can do better than my associate?”

Louis's face turned purple with rage. “He is just like you,” he spat. “Everywhere I turn there's another clone of Harvey Specter.” He stormed out of Harvey's office. Harvey decided to let him have the last word—he _did_ take the stack of papers, after all.

“Harvey,” Donna said warningly.

“He started it.”

He heard her sigh. “Did you just do that as some sort of ploy to get Louis to do all your work for you?”

Harvey didn't answer.

“That's what I thought,” Donna said.


	3. Chapter 3

Mike was in distress.

He should have finished reading all the von Lingenmacht paperwork by now, but reality had intervened and decided to make him its bitch.

“Is it true you made out with Rachel in the women's bathroom?” Gregory asked.

Mike was appalled at the sort of rumors that apparently flew around this office. “What? No!”

“So you've never been in the women's bathroom with Rachel?”

“We were in the bathroom together. We were _not_ making out.” Mike flushed. “I was thinking about it, though.”

“Is it true you ride a bike to work?” Harold asked. The other associates gasped.

“Yes, I ride my bike to work,” Mike said defensively. “It's really not that horrible.”

Seth snapped his fingers to dispel the shocked whispers. “Oh! Have you ever done anything illegal?”

_I didn't go to Harvard and I only got this job because I worked as a drug dealer_ . Mike forced himself not to say it, but his mouth was already moving. “I used to get high,” he heard himself say. Maybe he could draw it out. “I smoked pot on the following dates: Tuesday, September 16th, 2003, Wednesday, September 17th, 2003, Tuesday, October 21st, 2003, Thursday, October 23rd, 2003, Thursday, December 25th, 2003—”

“All right, we get it!” Gregory snapped. “It's my turn now. Is it true that Harvey's a Trekkie?”

“Yes, he thinks Kirk is the greatest space captain who ever lived.” _And I didn't go to Harvard_. “And if you tell him Kirk is fictional he'll sulk for a week.”

“That's ridiculous,” Seth said. “The greatest space captain is Picard.”

“Picard? The greatest? I think you mean Commander Seth Goddard,” Gregory said.

Seth looked confused. “Who?”

Gregory bristled, and Mike dared to hope, in the ensuing chaos of what looked to be a battle of epic nerdiness, that he might be able to escape with his secret intact; but then Harold caught his arm and leaned in conspiratorially. “Did you really lose in  _housing court_ ?” he asked in a stage whisper.

Mike sighed. The continued pain and humiliation were awful, but at least this topic was safely away from Harvard. “Yes, I lost in housing court. But it wasn't my fault—”

“Didn't you also lose the mock trial?” Kyle cut in.

“Yes,” Mike said wearily. “You were there.” _And I didn't go to Harvard_.

“Are you having sex with Rachel?” Seth asked.

_I didn't go to Harvard._ “No, I am not having sex with Rachel.”

“Pay up,” Seth told Harold. He glanced around. “Are you having sex with _Harvey_?”

_I didn't go to—wait, what?_ “No! No, I am not having sex with Harvey!”

“Pay up,” Gregory muttered. Seth handed him Harold's twenty with a sullen look on his face.

“I'll owe you,” Kyle said when Gregory held out his hand.

Seth, apparently, was determined that this not be a total loss. “Do you  _want_ to?” he demanded of Mike.

Mike was spared answering by the timely arrival of Louis. “This isn't a public forum,” Louis snapped. “Get back to work.”

“Thank God you're here,” Mike said as the associates scattered. “I'm not normally happy to see you, but right now I could almost hug you.”

“Good to know,” Louis said, a little bitterly. “Anything else you'd care to share?”

_I didn't go to Harvard. I didn't go to Harvard._

“I stole your stapler,” he said in a squeaky voice.

Louis glanced at Mike's desk, and his eyes widened. He snatched the stapler and balanced it on top of the huge stack of papers in his arms—papers that looked suspiciously like the von Lingenmacht files.

“Are those for me?” Mike asked hesitantly.

Louis eyed him. “…No. They're not. But if you need some work to do, maybe you should read up on the company policy on  _theft_ .” He whirled around and began to stomp determinedly away.

_I didn't go to Harvard!_ Mike wanted to shout after him.

Louis stopped at Gregory's desk. He leaned in, and Mike heard him mutter, “I'll pay you later.” Then he was gone.

_I didn't go to Harvard. I didn't go to Harvard. I didn't go to Harvard._

“Found your problem,” said a voice behind him.

“I didn't go to Harvard!” Mike blurted out.

Gregory, at least, was too far away to hear; Mike turned around slowly, dread knotting up his insides.

“That's great,” Benjamin said. He held out Mike's laptop. “There was nothing wrong with it. You just had the Num Lock key off.”

“Ben!” Mike said, overjoyed. “Thank God. I thought it might be someone important.”

“Yeah, I'm a real hero,” Benjamin said drily. He thrust the laptop into Mike's arms. “Don't bother me about it again, Michael.” He walked away with a look of bored satisfaction.

Mike clutched the laptop like a lifeline.

“Hey, Benjamin!” Gregory called. “You owe me twenty bucks.”

…

Harvey was idly debating whether he was  _awesome_ or  _super awesome_ when Mike ran into his office.

“Harvey, you've got to help me!” Mike said.

“I am helping,” he said. “I already told you not to wear skinny ties.”

“I didn't go to Harvard!” Mike shouted, then clapped his hands over his mouth.

“Could you say that a little louder?” Donna asked. “I don't think they heard you in China.”

Harvey stood and stretched. “Have you been telling everyone your dirty little secret?”

“Yes! Well, not the Harvard one, but all my other secrets.”

Harvey frowned. “Like what?”

Mike looked so incredibly fearful that Harvey almost considered taking a step forward to put a comforting hand on his shoulder.  _Almost_ . “Like that I'm afraid of Donna, and that I like Rachel more than I should. And I used to dye my hair, and I didn't know there was a  _Northern_ Ireland, and that I'm not sleeping with you.”

“You're telling people we're _not_ sleeping together?” Harvey asked with a raised eyebrow. “Is that really supposed to be a secret?”

“Ha!” Donna said, as Mike babbled on. “Gregory must be _loaded_ now.”

“I thought you ran the office betting pool,” Harvey said, ignoring his associate's ramblings.

“Not this one,” she told him. “Conflict of interest and all that.”

Harvey decided not to dwell on what that might imply. And Mike was still talking. “And that time I stole Trevor's lunch money and told him the teacher did it,” he was saying. “Or that I've read every single  _Star Wars_ novel. And that I liked the third Terminator movie.”

“You really can't stop, can you?” Harvey asked, as it suddenly dawned on him that letting Mike loose inside of the ravenous swarm of locusts that was Pearson Hardman might not have been such a good idea after all.

“I didn't go to Harvard,” Mike said. “I'm a complete and total fraud, and I don't even have a degree.”

Harvey was starting to get a headache. “Did you really tell everyone all of those secrets?”

“I can't stop talking,” he said helplessly.

Harvey sighed. “Mike, did you read  _ War and Peace _ ?” he asked.

Mike nodded shakily. “Yeah…”

“Go in the corner and recite it.”

“Come on, who likes the third Terminator movie?” Donna asked as Mike sat down and began to mutter softly. “That's the real deep dark secret there.”

Harvey picked up his phone and dialed furiously. He had to resist the urge to tap his foot as it rang, and settled with fidgeting restlessly until he heard an answering click.

“Werner, hello,” he said without preamble. “It's Harvey. Is Adrian back yet?”

“Not yet,” Werner said. Harvey bit his tongue to keep from swearing. “She left her lab coat behind if you want to take a look at it, though.”

“No, I'm not going to steal her things,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just, just have her call me when she gets back, all right? It's important.”

“Is this something I should know about, Harvey?”

“I'm not keeping anything from you,” he said.

“Yes you are!” wailed Mike, ceasing his tirade against Russian literature. “You're keeping the fact that his mad scientist of a daughter _did_ something to me and now I can't stop telling the truth!”

“What was that noise?” Werner asked.

“My associate,” said Harvey. “He hasn't had his nap yet.” He covered the mouthpiece with his hand and glared furiously at Mike. “Just shut up for a second!” he hissed in what he hoped was a soothing tone.

“He is saying considerably more than he did this morning,” Werner said doubtfully.

“Your daughter is _ruining_ my life and I am looking forward to cutting off her funding,” Mike said, reaching for the phone.

Harvey batted at Mike's hands and danced out of reach. “I guess you just made an impression on him,” Harvey said.

“You know who really made an impression on me?” Mike said angrily. “ _Adrian_. Because she made it so I can't stop _talking_!”

“Indeed,” said Werner. “What is that he's saying?”

“And I'll just keep on spilling all my secrets to everyone I meet,” Mike ranted. “Like the fact that I _never went to Har—_ mmph!” Harvey threw his arm around Mike's head and clamped his hand over his mouth.

“He's saying how happy he is to have finally met you,” Harvey said smoothly. “He talks about you all the time.”

“That's a lie!” Mike said around Harvey's fingers. In one fluid motion, Harvey released his hold on Mike's mouth, grabbed his skinny tie, balled it up, shoved it between Mike's teeth, and forced his hand back over Mike's mouth.

Mike kicked him.

“I did not realize I was so well known,” Werner said slowly. “I am but a simple orthodontist.”

“Well, Mike's had a lot of problems with his _mouth_ recently,” Harvey said, twisting to keep the phone out of reach of Mike's grabby hands. “And he's heard you're the best.”

“Really?” Werner said, obviously flattered. “Well, I'd be happy to take a look for him.”

“Great! I'll have Donna set up an appointment.” Harvey used his hip to shove Mike to the side, but didn't release the iron grip on his associate's face. “Anyway, I have to go, Werner, I've got a very important meeting to get to. Please give me a call when Adrian gets back.” He hung up before Werner could say anything and breathed a sigh of relief.

Just as suddenly he found himself flat on his back, pinned by Mike's bony elbows, phone knocked out of reach. “How…?” he asked, dazed.

“I was in the wrestling team in high school,” Mike said, spitting out his tie. “ _Where is she?_ ”

“Adrian's not back yet,” Harvey said. “Would you please get off of me?”

“No, please continue,” said a new voice. They both glanced up to see Jessica standing in the doorway.

Mike scrambled off of Harvey and practically curled into a ball on the couch. “This is ridiculously embarrassing,” he said, his hands trembling. “You're really tall,” he told Jessica. “Like, scary tall.”

Harvey propped himself up on his elbows. “Jessica, how long have you been standing there?”

“Oh, long enough,” she said, amused. She gave Mike an appraising look. “I'm honestly surprised you could take him.”

“I'm a little surprised my own self,” Mike told her. “Please don't eat me.”

Harvey cleared his throat. “Jessica.”

She glanced down. “Harvey.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

She smiled and tapped her finger against her lips. “You know,” she said, clearly trying not to laugh, “I honestly can't remember why I came in here.” She turned to leave. “You boys play nice,” she called over her shoulder.

“You smell really good!” Mike shouted after her. “I want to borrow your perfume!”

Harvey stood and brushed himself off. “Don't,” he said.

“I'm not going to,” Mike said. “I just really like it.”

“I wasn't talking to you,” he said. “Donna?”

“What was that, Harvey?” Donna asked innocently. “I couldn't hear you, I was distracted by two grown men fighting like children.”

“I'd better not see any pictures,” Harvey warned her.

“Oh, don't worry; _you_ won't see any pictures,” she said.

“I didn't go to Harvard,” Mike said, hands clutched between his knees as he rocked back and forth. “I didn't go to Harvard and my life is ruined.”

“Didn't I tell you to practice telling the truth without telling the whole truth?” Harvey asked him.

“You used those exact words,” Mike said. “But you didn't really do anything to help.”

Harvey was offended. “I gave you perfectly good advice,” he started to say.

“And then you completely failed to follow up on it,” Mike countered. “I know you're all big on pretending you don't care, but wow, you could have fooled me today, because you obviously don't care about anything I might do or say when I'm under the effects of a truth serum.”

“Maybe you deserve it,” Harvey suggested. “If you were really so clever, you wouldn't have gotten dosed in the first place.”

“Says the guy who got cloned against his will,” Mike shot back. “There's still only one of me, so I guess that means I'm smarter than you, at least.”

“You are _not_ smarter than me.”

“Yeah, well, a smart person respects his associate's right to privacy,” Mike said. “A smart person wouldn't let his truth-telling associate run around with a big secret that could get them both _fired_. A smart person doesn't hire someone who didn't even graduate from college just because he felt like thumbing his nose at his boss. You're not actually as smart as you think you are, Harvey. You're just better at faking it.”

Despite the venom in his voice, he actually looked sorry for saying it, but Harvey didn't care. “Go home,” he said, not even bothering to cover the harshness in his tone. “And don't come back to work until you can learn to keep your mouth shut.”

For once, Mike didn't have anything to say.


	4. Chapter 4

The next few days were excruciatingly dull.

Mike spent most of them pacing back and forth in his apartment, sharing his feelings with the walls and furniture. All the talking meant his mouth was constantly dry, and as a result he had perfected the art of talking while drinking a glass of water.

“I could have been a ventriloquist,” he told the couch on the first day. “It would have freaked out Trevor. I miss Trevor. I know I'm not supposed to, but I do.”

His phone beeped. He turned it on eagerly. “I hope that's Harvey saying he found Adrian,” he said, “Because I am getting really sick of this, and why has it taken so long for her to come back?”

The text message wasn't from Harvey, though. It was from Jenny.

**Looking forward to tonight** , she wrote.

“Oh crap,” Mike said. “I completely forgot we had a date. I don't think I can do this. If I see her, I'll probably say something awful and she'll break up with me. Oh crap.” He started to text back, choosing his words with care. **Have to cancel. Work related.** He hit Send with a satisfied feeling.

Two minutes later, that feeling was gone. His phone rang, and Jenny's picture came up on the Caller ID.

Mike chose the lesser of two evils and decided not to answer it.

…

The second day passed, and still no word from Harvey.

“He's punishing me,” Mike realized. “He's probably already heard from Adrian and just hasn't told me. Oh crap, what if there's no way to fix this? What if I'll be stuck like this forever? I don't want to be stuck this way. Who ever heard of a truth-telling lawyer?”

His phone beeped, and Mike rushed to read his latest text. It was Jenny again.

**Are you busy tonight?** she wrote.  **You never called me back.**

Mike sighed as he texted back.  **Can't go out tonight. Work stuff.**

He tried to convince himself he was doing them both a favor by saving them from unnecessary grief. Still, he couldn't help feeling a twinge of guilt the next time the phone rang and he didn't answer it.

…

On the third day Mike decided that Harvey could go screw himself.

He shared a beer with the fridge as he poured out his feelings. “He acts like he doesn't care, and I'm starting to believe it,” he said. “Also, why the vests? They're ridiculous. What's next, a pocket watch? A top hat? A cravat? What kind of lawyer wears a cravat? I gotta talk to Donna 'bout this; if anyone can stop him, she can. She's the only one who can save us. From the cravats.”

Mike may have had more to drink than just the beer.

“You're the only one I care about now,” he told the television tearfully. “I can say whatever I want to you and it doesn't matter. You'll never judge me, you'll never abandon me when I need you most.” He hugged the television, spilling his box of wine in the process.

“Harvey drinks scotch,” he told the stain spreading across the floor. “But scotch is stupid, which means Harvey's stupid.”

His phone beeped for the third time in as many days. He stumbled blearily to it and peered at the words swimming across the screen.

**You free tonight?** the phone asked.

“That's a silly question,” Mike muttered. **I'm always free for you** , Mike told the phone before he tucked it into his pocket.

“I don't care about you anymore,” he told the television. “I've got a phone now.”

…

One hangover later, Mike was wallowing in self pity when he heard a knock on his apartment door.

“I know you're in there,” he heard Jenny say. “You wanna open the door?”

“No,” Mike said softly. He was very proud that he'd spoken too quietly for her to hear, and immediately said so aloud.

“What?” Jenny asked.

“I don't want to let you in,” he said helplessly.

He heard her chuckle. “Mike, if you think I'm mad because you've been ditching me for work, it's okay. I get it. Your job is important.”

“It wasn't for work,” said Mike. “Well, it was _because_ of work, but not _for_ it.”

“I told you, I'm not mad, just concerned.” Jenny sighed. “Look, you can make it up to me by taking me out tonight.” When he didn't answer, she spoke with a little more urgency. “Come on, Mike, it's Friday; even you need to have fun once in a while.”

Mike glanced down at his beer-stained shirt. “I'm not dressed for going out,” he said.

“Are you naked?” she asked, clearly amused. “I don't mind.”

“Yes, I remember,” he said.  _ Don't think about it don't think about it. _ “That was really fun.”

“Well, if you don't open the door, you're not gonna get to do it again,” she joked.

“I really don't want to. Open the door, I mean, not have sex. I mean, do have sex. I want to.”

He heard her lean against the door. “Well, first you've got to take me out, so let me in and I'll help you pick out an outfit.”

“That's not why I don't want to see you.”

There was a pause. “You don't want to see me?”

“I do, but not now.” He shoved his fist in his mouth.

“Mike.” She sounded hurt, and it broke his heart to hear it. “Why don't you want to see me?”

He was losing her. What choice did he have? “I got drugged by a truth serum and I can't stop telling the truth,” he explained, slumping against the door. “And I'm afraid if I see you I'll say something I'll regret, and I really don't want to hurt you, Jenny.”

Another pause. “Okay,” she said slowly. “I think, since we're in a relationship, you should be telling me the truth anyway, so maybe you should open the door and we'll see what happens.”

He shut his eyes and nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. He turned the knob and stepped back.

Jenny stood in the doorway, looking stunning in a dress of black and gold.

“Oh my God,” he breathed. “You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life.”

She smiled and stepped inside. “You need to change.”

“I want to look nice for you,” he said. “I can't believe I tried to get out of this because this is seriously the highlight of my entire week.”

“You  _ must _ be drugged,” she said, giving him a tiny kiss. “Did you really drink a truth serum?”

“No, I inhaled it,” he said. “We went to see a mad scientist this week.”

“Really? I thought there actually weren't that many in New York.”

“This guy was filthy rich,” Mike said.

“A filthy rich mad scientist? You'd think he'd have better things to do with his time.”

“It wasn't him, it was his daughter. She was really gorgeous, and I think she was hitting on me a little.”

“I would be jealous,” Jenny teased, “But you already said I'm the most beautiful person you've ever seen, so I'm feeling pretty secure right about now.” She gave him a playful shove to his bedroom. “Now go change, we're running late.”

He stepped into his bedroom and turned to shut the door. “Jenny?” he asked before he did.

“Yes?”

Mike grinned. “You are the best girlfriend ever.”

Jenny smiled back. “I know.”

…

By the time Monday rolled around, Harvey had just about had enough.

“Donna, where are the Serpinski files?” he asked as he frantically searched his desk.

“You gave them to Gregory,” she said, with a hint of reproach.

“I know that. I mean _Why aren't they here now?_ ”

“Probably because Gregory hasn't finished prepping them,” she said with a shrug.

Harvey groaned in desperation. “I _need_ them!” he whined.

“Well, maybe you should have picked an associate who could actually keep up with you,” she said pointedly.

Harvey fumed and tried not to glare at her. “Call Serpinski and reschedule,” he snapped. He made a mental note to crush Gregory, and sat down in a huff.

It was getting bad. The work kept piling up, and none of the minions at Harvey's disposal were worth the cheap suits they wore. He was behind on all his paperwork, and worse, he'd come to the crippling realization that, Donna and Jessica aside, _no one at this firm got any of his movie references_. It was like living in a world where no one had seen any movies made before 1980. (Although lately the associates had taken to calling him “Captain” and giving him the Vulcan salute as he passed, which was rather nice.)

In desperation, Harvey had taken to doing his own damn paperwork, and quickly found that he just couldn't concentrate without some sort of incessant background chatter to ignore. He'd started to listen to the _Encyclopedia of Law_ books on tape, since the noise it made was oddly comforting. Strangely, it reminded him of bad suits and skinny ties.

Donna kept giving him knowing looks, which was why Harvey was increasingly grateful he hadn't confided to her that the letters “MR” etched on the tape player did not stand for “My Recordings.”

When his phone rang unexpectedly, he almost leaped across the desk to answer it.

“Werner!” he practically shouted into it. “Did you find Adrian?”

“Adrian has not come home yet,” Werner said. “I am starting to worry.”

“She didn't shrink herself again, did she?” Harvey asked with a sinking feeling.

“No. I have already looked into that possibility,” Werner said. “Unless she has gone subatomic, of course.”

“Of course,” Harvey said, choking down hysterical laughter. “Would you like some scotch?” He poured himself a drink.

Werner didn't answer.

Donna walked into his office, put her hand on her hip, and gaped at him in utter disbelief.

“Why don't I come over there and take a look at that lab coat?” Harvey said desperately. He reached for the glass of scotch, but Donna gently took it from him and returned to her desk. “Maybe I can help you look for Adrian.”

“Indeed,” said Werner. “And bring that associate of yours. I'd love to hear what he's heard of me.”

“Of course,” Harvey said, smiling through clenched teeth. “We'll be over soon.”

He hung up the phone and leaned back, defeated.

“I called Ray,” Donna said.

“Give me back my scotch,” Harvey snapped.

“What scotch?”

Harvey knew it was no use arguing. “Call Werner back. Tell him I'm coming over alone.”

“Harvey,” Donna warned.

“I don't have time, Donna.” He stood, straightened his tie, and pulled on his jacket, uncomfortably aware that his hair wasn't _quite_ as perfect as it should be. “I can do this without him.”

She appeared in the doorway then, blocking his exit. “Harvey,” she said, her eyes flashing. “I know what you named the tape player.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“I'll go get Mike,” Harvey said, and left.

…

Mike was feeling pretty good about life by the time Harvey knocked on the door.

“Who's that?” Jenny asked, cuddled against him on the couch.

“I don't know,” Mike said. “I don't really feel like getting up to answer it though. I'd much rather stay here. You're nice and warm.”

“You have to answer it,” she told him. “Maybe you ordered pizza last night in your sleep, but now it's late so you'll get it for free.”

“Wow, that is a compelling argument,” he said truthfully. The knocking got louder and more insistent, so Mike stood and stretched. “Guess I'd better let the poor pizza guy in.”

“Unless it's an ax murderer,” Jenny mused, sipping at her coffee. “Then he'll kill us, and the police will never find the bodies.”

“At least we'll die happy,” Mike said. The knocking grew into a pounding.

“Or maybe there's no one there at all,” Jenny said. “Maybe it's a telltale knocking, and you're just going insane with guilt.”

“Now there's a thought,” Mike said, sitting down again. “I do have a lot to feel guilty about.”

“Oh for the love of—” Harvey's voice sounded through the door. “Do you two ever shut up?”

Mike jumped. “Oh crap, it's definitely something I should feel guilty about,” he said, rushing to let his boss inside.

“Hello, Harvey,” Jenny said, raising her coffee in greeting.

“Wow, you look awful,” Mike told him. “Did someone die?”

“No,” Harvey said tersely. “Get dressed. We're going to see Werner.”

“Ooh, is that the orthodontist?” Jenny asked. “The one with the mad scientist daughter?”

Harvey glared at her, but spoke to Mike. “I brought these for you,” he said, shoving a huge stack of papers into Mike's chest. Mike stumbled as he caught them.

“Am I being punished?” Mike asked nervously. “Are you still mad at me?”

Harvey looked him up and down, then said in a tight-lipped voice, “You look well.”

“I had sex last night,” Mike told him, then grinned. “And this morning. All weekend, actually.”

“Okay, Mike, sweetie, I know you can't help it, but you need to stop,” Jenny said.

“You look _fantastic_ ,” Harvey said, and there was no mistaking the resentment in his tone. “Looks like you had a _wonderful_ time without me to bother you.”

“I did, actually,” Mike said, starting to sweat. He didn't like where this conversation was headed. “You're going to fire me, aren't you? Please don't fire me! I'm sorry I said those things about you. I can't take them back, but they were horrible, and they were true, and oh God, you're going to fire me!”

Harvey actually looked surprised. “I'm not—”

But the dam had already broken. “But I was right, wasn't I? Hiring me _was_ really stupid, and it would make your life so much easier if I weren't around to mess everything up,” Mike ranted. “Even though I still think you're a little bit to blame for all this, but then, you'd have to be, since you were dumb enough to hire me in the first place—”

“Mike!” Harvey shouted, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. “ _Look_ at me.” Mike fell silent as he stared, taking in the unkempt hair, the poorly shaved stubble, the slightly wrinkled suit, the haggard, sleep-deprived expression, and his eyes widened. “Tell me,” Harvey said, and his voice was soft. “Did I make a mistake in hiring you?”

And Mike had to tell the truth: “No,” he said, awed and a little humbled. “It was the stupidest decision you've ever made, but it wasn't a mistake.”

Harvey nodded. “How fast can you get dressed? We've got a mad scientist to find.”

“Aww,” Jenny said with a wicked grin, “I was going to take him clothes shopping, find out what he _really_ thinks.”

Mike paled at the thought of giving truthful opinions to a girl trying on clothes, and ran from the room.

“That was brilliant,” Harvey observed.

“I've been saving that one all weekend,” Jenny said, and took another sip of coffee. “He'll be ready in three minutes.”

Mike surprised them both, though. He was ready in two.


	5. Chapter 5

“Thanks for letting us over on such short notice,” Harvey said to Werner. He wasted no time in poking around Adrian's lab.

“Yes,” said Werner stiffly. “I hope there is something here that helps you find her.”

“Has Adrian ever disappeared before?” Mike asked, while Harvey peered at an abandoned Bunsen burner.

“Yes,” Werner said. “But never for this long, unless something has gone awry. And there have not been any explosions recently, so I do not think that is the case.”

“Is it possible she knew the reason for our meeting last week?” Harvey asked. He picked up a pair of sparkly pink scissors and stared at his reflection in the blade. He still looked pretty bad, but since he'd stopped to recover Mike his pallor had noticeably improved.

For some reason, this greatly annoyed him.

“I doubt she could have overheard us,” Werner said. “But then, she has surprised me before.”

“Did you mention your intentions of cutting off her trust fund to anyone else?” Harvey demanded.

“No one,” he said. “I have refrained from all discussion of it with any other person.”

“Maybe she just figured it out,” Mike said. They both stared at him. “Last time I was here, she said you made no secret of the fact that you don't approve of her choice of vocation. And then you summon your lawyer for a secret meeting you won't let her listen to. What else was she supposed to think?”

“Hmph,” said Werner, troubled.

“I'm thirsty,” Mike said. “And this suit is itchy.”

Harvey ignored him. It was a heady feeling.

“I left Adrian's lab coat over on that chair,” Werner said, pointing. Harvey made a beeline for it.

“Has this thing ever been washed?” Harvey asked, holding it up and away from himself in evident distaste.

“She says that would interfere with the gluon alignment,” Werner said scornfully.

Harvey tossed the coat to Mike. “Check the pockets.”

“Yeah,” Mike said with a sly smile. “Maybe Adrian's in one of them.”

A brief silence followed.

“Adrian?” Mike asked, peering into the largest pocket on the side.

“Wait,” Harvey said as Mike turned the coat. “What's that on the inside?”

“There's a tear,” Mike said, confused. “But it's not torn on the outside…” He held up the rip in the seam for closer inspection. “Wow, it's like there's a whole universe through there.” He reached his arm through the hole; it did not appear on the other side. “Oh my God, my arm's disappeared. That is really freaky. Kind of cool, but really, really freaky.” He pulled his arm out and held it close. “Should I go in and look for her?”

Harvey shook his head. “You'd just talk her ear off if you found her. And Werner won't fit. I'll go.” He removed his jacket and folded it neatly across the back of the chair.

“That's a relief,” Mike said. “I really didn't want to go in there.”

“Help me through,” said Harvey.

“Wait,” Werner said. He handed Harvey one end of a length of rope. “Maybe she is not there by choice,” he pointed out. “You will need help returning.”

“I really doubt she got trapped in her own hyperdimensional lab coat,” Mike said. “She probably just had a tantrum and decided to hide. Your daughter's kind of a brat.”

Werner frowned, and Harvey decided to intervene. “If she's in there, I'll get her back,” he said, tying the rope around his waist. “Just pull me out if I'm gone too long.”

Werner stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Harvey,” he said, and his voice was intense. “I… I just want my daughter safe. Whatever it takes.”

Harvey smiled reassuringly. “We're not going to give her her funding back,” he assured him. “That is one thing that's not up for negotiation.”

“But you'll get her to fix me, right?” Mike asked.

Werner looked startled. “What has she done to you?” he asked, surprised and angry. “I will ban her from this house! Once she has returned, that is.”

“She made it so I can't stop telling the truth,” Mike said warily. Werner was shaking with rage.

“No one's banning anybody,” Harvey said quickly.

But Werner would not be dissuaded. “She is always doing these things,” he ranted. “I forgave her for the cloning, and the grave robbing, and irradiating the coffee, but she does not listen! And after what she did to that poor rat man Louis—”

“He's just naturally like that,” Mike and Harvey said in unison.

“This is unforgivable! You must bring her back!” he said furiously. “Bring her back so I can put a stop to all this mad scientist nonsense! I will see that she fixes you or I will ban her forever!”

Mike turned to Harvey, surprised. “You really _were_ trying to protect Adrian by not telling, weren't you?”

Harvey avoided having to answer by escaping into the lab coat.

…

Inside the lab coat was surprisingly nice. There was air, and gravity (though it was a little less than what Harvey was used to), and even a marble floor. He was in an area the size of a football field, floating in a vague space of hazy purple. The sky was a dirty off-white that reminded him of a close knit fabric.

He glanced behind himself to see a strange tear in the air about the size of the one in the lab coat. He peered through and saw the ceiling of Adrian's lab; Mike must have put the coat on the floor.

Facing forward, Harvey noticed a glow from the other end of the hyperdimensional pocket. He approached it warily and discovered a small living area holding a TV, couch, and mini fridge, and guarded by several vicious-looking lawn flamingos. Adrian was seated on the couch reading a book titled _They Called Me Mad_.

Harvey sat down next to her, but didn't say anything.

Adrian marked her page with a tattered bookmark. “I tried to file a patent for my perpetual motion machine,” she said ruefully, “But they wouldn't let me submit it without a working model—which I can't afford to build without a patent.” She glanced over at him. “Are you still going to cut off my trust fund?” she asked tearfully. “I don't have any other way to fund my research!”

“You'll find a way,” Harvey said patiently. “If it's really that important to you.”

“But I've tried!” she said. “I'm not willing to patent any of my other inventions; what if someone bad gets their hands on my designs?”

He looked askance at her. “ _Now_ you're having a moral dilemma?”

“What am I supposed to do?” Adrian wailed. “Being a mad scientist is all I've ever dreamed about!”

Harvey shrugged. “Welcome to the real world. No one's going to just hand you your dreams on a silver platter. Not when you're more trouble than you're worth, anyway,” he amended.

Adrian sniffled. “I liked the other Harvey better,” she said.

“Do you know why your father's cutting off your funding, Adrian?” he went on. “Because you are amoral, irresponsible, and completely unethical. Your father's not doing this because he doesn't understand you; he's doing this because he knows exactly what you're capable of, and he wants to make sure no one else gets hurt. People like my clone, or Mike, or even Louis.”

“Mr. Ross?” she asked anxiously. “Is he all right? The Honest-to-God Breath Freshener should have worn off days ago!”

“It hasn't,” Harvey said bluntly. “If anything, it's getting worse.”

Adrian looked crestfallen. “If I… If I find a way to fix it, will you help me get my trust fund back?” she asked in a trembling voice.

“I don't like being blackmailed, Adrian.”

She hung her head. “All right. I'll come out.” She took a deep breath and stood.

Together, they walked back to the rip in the fabric of reality.

…

“Try standing on the aluminum foil,” Adrian said, pushing Mike into the corner.

“I will be very surprised if this works,” Mike said. “You really don't seem all that competent. Are you even licensed to practice mad science?”

“You don't need a license,” she said absently. “That's what makes us mad.”

“Your finances should all be sorted out by tomorrow,” Harvey was telling Werner. “I put my best man on the job.” He glanced over to where Adrian and Mike were arguing. “Making any progress?”

“Not at all,” Mike said. “And she clearly hasn't showered all week.”

Adrian looked thoughtfully at her equipment. “I just can't figure this out,” she said. Suddenly she snapped her fingers. “Of course!” She turned an eager expression on Mike. “Have you ever considered electroshock therapy? It's quite painless!”

“I'd like him alive, if possible,” Harvey said drily.

Adrian looked defensive. “I can revive him afterward!” she said.

“Adrian…” Werner warned.

She squeaked. “Sorry, Daddy.” She picked up a tuning fork and tapped it against Mike's head.

“I think you're making this up,” Mike said. “None of this makes any sense.” She hit him again. “Ow! Was that really necessary?”

Adrian frowned. “Stop talking. I'm trying to adjust to your harmonic resonance.”

“That's not how tuning forks work.”

“Shhh.” She peered into Mike's ear. “Is it working?”

“Harvey actually looks really good in vests,” Mike said experimentally, then shook his head.

“Hmm.” She waved the tuning fork around. “How about now?”

“I never went to—” Mike's mouth kept moving, but no sound escaped it. His eyes widened as he realized what had happened.

“Well, he's stopped talking,” Adrian said hopefully.

“So he's fixed?” Harvey asked.

Mike glared and mouthed, “Harvey!”

Harvey shrugged. “You know, I think I like him better this way.”

Mike flipped him off.

“Ooh, I know!” Adrian said excitedly. She rummaged in the pocket of her lab coat and pulled out a clear bottle filled with a viscous green substance.

Mike eyed the bottle warily and mouthed what looked like “There is no way I am drinking that.”

“What was that, Mike?” Harvey asked. “I didn't quite catch that.” He received another rude gesture in response.

Adrian poured the contents of the bottle into her hand and turned to Harvey. “Did he say something rude?”

Harvey shrugged. “Possibly.”

Adrian turned around and slapped Mike.

“Ow!” Mike said. “Was that really necessary?”

“You tell me,” Adrian said proudly.

Mike reached up to wipe away the green goop oozing down his cheek. “Um,” he said. His eyes widened and a slow grin began to spread across his face. “My name is Harvey Specter,” he said, and the smile grew. “I love vests, and I don't care about anyone besides myself.” He licked his lips and took a deep breath. “I graduated from Harvard!”

“Fantastic,” Harvey said. He made a mental note to throw away his _Encyclopedia of Law_ tapes.

On second thought, maybe he'd better keep them. Just in case.

“Hey, Harvey,” Mike said with relish. “I graduated from Harvard.”

“Did it not work?” Adrian asked, confused. “I thought you wanted to be able to lie.”

Mike skittered away from her. “I'm fine,” he said quickly. “Thanks.”

“Indeed,” Werner said. “Now we can put all this nonsense behind us.”

Adrian's triumphant grin cracked a little. “Oh. Right. Of course.”

“Thank you for everything,” Werner said, shaking Harvey's hand.

“That's what you pay me for,” Harvey said.

Werner turned to face Mike. “I am truly sorry,” he told him, and offered his hand. “It was not my intention that you should suffer any hardship.”

Mike hesitated, then took his hand. “I… accept your apology,” he said carefully. “Thanks for helping me get back to normal.”

“Hmph,” he said stiffly. He strode slowly from the room. “Adrian!” he barked when he was just out of sight.

She jumped. “I, uh, I guess I'd better go.”

“Probably,” Mike said cheerfully. She met his eye and blushed.

“S-sorry,” she said in a quiet voice, then started to slink away.

“Adrian,” Harvey said before she could get too far.

She turned and looked sheepishly at him. “What is it?”

Harvey held out a business card. “This is Derek Smith in Washington. He'd be very glad to hear from you.” When she still looked confused, he explained. “There are a lot of private corporations who would be very interested in developing a working truth serum.”

Adrian's face lit up, and before he could stop her she threw her arms around him in a tight embrace. “Thank you,” she said.

Harvey pushed her awkwardly away. “This isn't a handout,” he said. “There are rules, and if you don't follow them they won't be as forgiving as your father.”

She nodded and looked up at him with starry eyes. “Harvey,” she whispered. “Can I clone you?”

He shook his head. “Once was enough for me. You can clone Mike though.”

“Hey!” Mike said.

Harvey fingered the _Encyclopedia of Law_ tapes in his jacket pocket. “What? I could always use a spare.”

Adrian looked at Mike and bit her lip. “Maybe later,” she said. “I won't have the resources to raise _another_ clone.” She winked at Harvey and skipped merrily from the room.

“That was… ominous,” Mike observed.

“One problem at a time,” Harvey told him, heading for the front door. “Right now, you've got a lot of work to make up.”

“Yeah, I know,” Mike said as he followed along. “We have to finish working on von Lingenmacht's trust fund.”

Harvey shook his head. “It's been taken care of.”

Mike frowned. “But I wasn't… Wait, by who? _Louis_?”

“He probably finished last week,” Harvey said. “But he'll want to make me wait.” He slid into the car. “In the meantime, you can get started on the Serpinski files.”

“What, those papers you gave me this morning? I already finished them.”

Harvey stared. “You what?”

“Yeah,” Mike said with a shrug. “I did them on the car ride over here.”

Something that felt very much like pride swelled in Harvey's chest. He stamped it out before it could get out of hand.

“I have to make a quick stop first,” he told Mike. “We're going to the cemetery.”

“Cheery,” Mike said. “Why?”

Harvey shrugged. “Just want to pay my respects to a heroic man whose sacrifice saved millions of lives from a monstrous insect.”

“Wow,” said Mike. “Only you could make that sound so narcissistic.”

“He was truly a great man,” Harvey said reverently.

“Oh my God, you did want to make out with your clone, didn't you?”

“He _was_ very handsome,” Harvey went on. “And charming. And did I mention heroic?”

“Harvey,” Mike said with a grin. “Shut up.”


End file.
